the first time I got a call from “I am from Windows. you have a virus…” I had heard about this call so I was already ready to waste 45 minutes of his time.

“ZOMG! which computer has a VIRUS! there are 5 of them here.”

so I follow his directions dutifully. and then I say, “okay, that is NOT working. oh, it’s an EXE. my Mac won’t run that.” he said, “it’s your WINDOWS machine.”

“which one?”


“why didn’t you say that. of course it has a virus. good thing you called!”

“yes. Windows…” he said tirelessly.

“oh. I need to get my bosses approval first. okay?” he said okay and I put him on hold for about a minute.

using the speaker phone I lit up the line and introduced my “bosses” which was just me doing Beavis and Butthead voices. it’s pretty funny what happened in the 5 minutes with him convincing the “boys” to let him “fix” my bork’d Windows box.

uh, huh, huh, huh… you said virus.
yeah. I had one of those once. uh, huh, huh, huh… if you know what I mean.
me too.
no you didn’t. you’ve never scored.
yes. I did. once.
uh, huh, huh, huh
what do you want to do to the Windows?
break them. that would be cool.
yeah, BREAK the windows!
…can I fix your Windows? I am from Windows!
okay, dude. you can fix the virus.

“okay, let me turn that on.” of course it was already on. and I had run the Arrange by Penis program earlier knowing that I was going to get this call. “Hoodgie” told me the URL again and I installed his creepy screen sharing tool.

once he was “in” the mouse started to move on his control. he closed the browser window and he saw the art.

he exclaimed, “I have seen this before. you have wasted my time. you are not funny.”