Rule #1 when driving in the midwest: don’t speed.

There is very little “real” crime going on. Thus the cops are delegated into “revenue” generation for the town.

Rule #2 when driving in the midwest: don’t drink and drive.

As there is very little “real” crime other than speeding being commited the next best thing for the cops is “last call” followed by “closing time.” As they have nothing better to do, cops circle bars and taverns like sharks noting which cars have been there longest. When patrons go home, the sharks, err, cops descend.

Rule #3 when driving in the midwest: check all your lights.

Your running lights, headlights, highbeam, fog lights, turn signals, side lights, tail lights, plate light. Every bulb needs to work perfectly. No flickering. Don’t give the cop an excuse to pull you over. If you have a bad headlight buy a new one and let it ride shotgun until you can get it in. That way if you get pulled over, there it is. You can always say, “went to install it, but it needed a special tool.” There, case closed.

Rule #4 when driving in the midwest: wear your set belt.

It’s now a “federal” reason to pull someone over even if no other law is being broken. Prepare to fork over for not having one across yourself.

Rule #5 when driving in the midwest: if “it” is in question leave “it” at home.

I’m talking about guns and drugs. There is nothing more happy for a cop to find than either. It means he can go into “cop” mode. Something he never gets to do. If you must trasnport “the goods” put that shit in the trunk in a locked box with somebody elses name on it. That way you can say, “that box is Eddie’s, he forgot it when I dropped him off… no I can’t open it. I don’t have Eddie’s key!?”

Rule #6 when driving in the midwest: don’t drive a pimp ride.

Got the top down, radio blasting, sunglasses on, dead head sticker, custom exhust, roll cage, yokohma tires, “fast racing” on the side, air dam in front and wing on the back? If it looks fast just sitting there idle it looks faster than 65 even if you are only going 65.

Rule #7 when driving in the midwest: out of state plate? pull over buddy.

There was no talking my way out of a ticket in Missouri or Colorado when had Nebraska plates. When I had Iowa plates, I got it in Nebraska. Revenue is revenue dontcha know. California plates in Utah… bend over.