When I was playing Quake I got to a point where I didn’t want to play the game anymore. But I couldn’t quit. I hadn’t finished it. The solution was to use IDKFA mode, cheating through the levels one by one. Even that took days. And then I was over it. I could delete it knowing that it had been finished. Game over. On with life.

I booked a seat for 8:30 AM DLP showing of Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith a George Lucas Film. The [i]last[/i] one. Going to the show reminded me of going to class. You have to go, you don’t want to go, and after being there for a bit you really want to leave to do something else. When’s recess again?

This is a movie where we know everything before we see it. We know that Anakin becomes Vader. We know the Chancellor is an evil Sith. We know that the clones who become the bad guys later are the good guys now. Nothing is a surprise. We even know that Darth Vader kills all the Jedi before falling into a volcano. We knew that 30 years ago.

From just after the scrolling words it’s non stop ridiculous blah blah blah.

My case and point. There’s a sequence showing preVader and Padme thinking about each other. It close ups on preVader for bit, then Padme, back to preVader for a longer shot, cuts to a scene above the city with flying space ships, back to Padme. Yea, George cut to a shot of TRAFFIC. Some how this shot of is supposed to help us feel the remorse the two are feeling. [i]Right….[/i] I know I think about traffic whenever I get that far away glazed over I’m missing her look. This is right up there with the “sound of music” shot from SW2.

I realize that some people in the theater were actually sneaking out of work. Much like getting the back nine in before the Friday morning meeting. So if you’re out of the office sneaking a view of Star Wars, stay hidden until the credits roll. That means turn your stupid phone off. Not vibrate. Not beep once. OH – EFF – EEF OFF. And for chrissakes DO NOT ANSWER the damn thing. Got it.

The “100 things I will do if I am a Hero” states “Finish off the Evil guy right away even if he is claiming he is weak and used up.” The very thought that the Chancellor [i]might[/i] be a Sith Lord should have been enough to poke the saber through him. But the Jedi had proof that he was because lightning coming out of hands is a dark side only kind of thing. [i]Traitor or criminal or whatever. Poke. Oops. Saved you all some time. Take it out on me. Yea.[/i] Instead we got a blah blah blah. And the Jedi dies.

Speaking of blah, blah, blah. The only thing I despise more than somebody’s cell phone ringing during a movie is the person that brings a baby. Maybe she thought that because there were babies in the film (ohh, sorry, spoiler, whaaaaa) that it might be appropriate for babies to be in the audience. Granted the 8:30 in the morning less then packed theater is the better venue for the tyke, but geez yea cheapo mom, get a sitter next time.

Too many of the scenes where two people are talking to each other look staged. How did they get to the couch? Or that particular part of the room? “Stand on your marks, quiet on the set, rolling, speed, sound speed, marker, action!” So film school looking.

School. Where learn from our mistakes. Mistakes like the utterance of “Midicloreans” in SWI. When this was said a million fans cried out [i]”nuh uh! That’s not how Yoda explained the Force. Moron story teller George, don’t you even watch your own movies?”[/i] Apparently George lives in a sound proof box that doesn’t get mail or the internet so he never heard that we all thought less of him for ruining the Force. It was something that could have been fixed on the DVD. Snip, snip, clip falls on the cutting room floor. But then he had to mention those midis again. Next he’ll be adding midiclorean scenes to the movies that don’t for consistency, Han won’t shoot at all it’ll be a ricochet, the whole Luke and Leia thing will have to go….

And you, fat boy! 5 seats over. If you’re sneaking stuff into the movies please pop the top of your drink before the movie starts and get a less noisy bag.

Another thing we learned from the “100tiwdiiaaH” is “After winning the battle against evil I will make sure he is really, really, really dead.” Was it too much for Obi Wan to push preVader into the lava then turn is back so he didn’t see preVader saving himself with his new found dark side ability? Obviously test audiences didn’t like that “darker” version of Obi Wan.

Why is the sun always at 25 degrees above the horizon hidden behind some clouds casting rays? On every planet. Including the melting one.

Was it me, or do the final two shots look like they were composited.

“Hey, why are you writing about cellphones, babies, and food? We all know it sucks.” Yep, I know. It got written here because it’s part of the “beloved” movie experience that everyone says is so wonderful. Normally I don’t care. But today it was more annoying because the film I was watching was annoying. If I complain to the mom, fatso, and talker, guess who’s seen as the asshole? Not them. Oh no. [i]They[/i] are not wrong. Because you see, she’s a struggling single mom, why didn’t you bring food, I really am so important that I need to be accessible all 168 hours. I hate these people more than spammers. At least I can filter the spammers. But I cannot hit the theater dolts on the head.

I think the saddest thing about this movie isn’t that George Lucas is a crap story teller. He is. It’s shameful that it’s not the best thing ever made. It took over a thousand people to make Episode III spending close to 200 million dollars. This doesn’t include more millions spent driving thousands of other people working to make toys, books, games, cards, cups, tie ins, and commercials. They’ve slaved for 3 years. Some working to the point of exhaustion pushing the [i]as many hours a day as possible[/i] wall. Just to make a turd. A turd that will rake in close to a billion dollars. But a turds still a turd no matter how you look at it.

Save your money. Seriously. And if you must go, because you want to see the effects or Natalie Portman’s naked shoulder, bring your iPod so you can skip the dialog.

IDKFA SW3. Hurray! I’m freed of it.

rm -r /sw